I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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