It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
