Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Found the puke drawer
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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