I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
