Duck Duck Cougar?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
