my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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