I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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