i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
