We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
