If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
