Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
