Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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