Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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