did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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