can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
