Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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