You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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