mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
