My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
