what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
