life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
