I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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