I was born with a shot glass in my hand
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
