The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
