The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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