Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
