so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
