What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
