Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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