alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
