You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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