Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
