Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
