i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
