I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
