im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
