that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
