Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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