there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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