I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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