I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
