twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
