Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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