I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Randomize