sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize