I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
