On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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