I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize