Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
