Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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