Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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