you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
