just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
No subtext here. People are naked.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
