So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
