There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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