I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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