Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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