did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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