You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
