The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
