Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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