I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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