Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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